Teaching Kids Responsibility – Positive Parenting
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Teaching Kids Responsibility – Positive Parenting


Positive parenting today at Live On Purpose
TV. Teaching kids responsibility. Positive.. Oh big surprise, right? You’re going to get
some positive parenting from Dr. Paul today. Years ago, I created a program
called parental power. I’ve had a lot of requests to send out that CD which was
discontinued a few years ago, I apologize for that, we’ve got a new program coming,
watch for that. Positive parenting, how do we do that? I think the first thing is to
understand the dynamics that happen between control and maturity so this is
the content from that parental power CD set that I used to do. You’re getting it right
now, okay. We’re going to start with control and maturity. Control means
control over your own life. So you can have zero control or a hundred percent
control or somewhere in between and it’s usually somewhere in between. Now this
goes for you, it goes for your kids, just think control over your own life.
Now on the other axis, we’ll put maturity. Maturity is a complicated issue but the
most common way we think about maturity is in terms of age so think of it as
starting at birth and going through adulthood. Now it gets exciting when we
compare these two dimensions together, when we put control up against maturity
and see what happens. When you’re first born, how much control do you have over
your own life? Right, well not quite zero because you can make a big noise in a
big stink but that’s about it when you’re first born.
How much control do you have as an adult? Now little side note when I ask
teenagers how much control the adults have, what do you think they answer? Right,
it’s a little different answer from us as adults
because we know all the small print but the teenagers will almost always say,
oh they have a hundred percent control. Literal with their idea for just a
minute and as we plot the control against the maturity, here’s what
happened.. We get a line that divides this space starting low, ending high, so the
more and more control you get, depends on how mature you are so the more mature
you are, the more control you get. Does that make sense?
This part under the line is the part you get for yourself, the part over the line
is the part other people take in your life. Now this is true for you and it’s
true for your kids. Thinking about your kids for just a moment. How much control
do they get to have over their own life? Well, when they’re little babies, they
don’t get hardly any. When they’re adults hopefully, they’re in control of their
own life by then and and there’s this gradual increase as they grow up. Okay, so
keep that in mind. Now we’re going to take age out of the equation. I want you
to think stage, not age, got it? Stage not age. So I’ve divided this graph into
three segments and I’ve brilliantly named them stage 1, stage 2 and wait for
it, stage 3. Isn’t that brilliant? These three
stages represent different stages of maturity or moral development if you
want to think about it that way. Stage 1 is the least mature and you’ll see in
the graph that stage 1 does not allow for much self-control, most of the
control is taken by others. Stage 2 is kind of a balance, it’s more mature, they
get more control. Stage 3 is the most mature of all. Now control is
shared almost always, there has to be a hundred percent control, the only
question is, who’s going to take that control? And there’s a lineup for the
control. Who gets to have control over your kids for example? Well here’s the
lineup, who gets first dibs on the control, always number one in that
position is the self. That’s true for you, it’s true for your kids. Self always gets
first crack at the control. Who’s second in line? Think about your kids now. Yeah,
you are as a parent. Parents are second in line for their kids. In other words, if
the kid can’t take control of their own life, who’s going to do it? The parents are
obviously. Who’s third? Yeah, I get a lot of different answers on this one, friends,
schools, whatever, right? School is actually closer than friends. Why? Because
third in line is the state, is that a little scary? I mean state agencies like
the Division of Child and Family Services, the juvenile court system, the
police, friends don’t have the authority or the power to take control. Sure, they
have influence but the state has the authority, whether that’s right or wrong
we’re not going to debate today, that’s just how it is. So my preference is that
we push that as close to number one as we can. I want to empower those kids in a
positive way to take control over their own life. That’s how we teach kids
responsibility. If the kids can’t be in control, my strong preference is that the
parents will step up and appropriately in a positive way take control in those
kids lives. I don’t want the state showing up, I’ve been in that position
before or I’m the guy who had to make the call to get the state involved,
that’s not fun so we’re going to push it to number one as close as we can, here’s
how we’re going to do it. First of all, let’s understand what these three stages are. At stage one, it’s all self-centered, it’s all about me
me me, what’s in it for me, tends to be very selfish, demanding,
manipulative, this is where fighting happens, this is where tantrums occur, does
this sounding familiar to anyone? Yeah, you as parents see this and you can
identify it very quickly. This is stage one maturity and remember, it’s not about
age, it’s about stage. So could your 13 year old be on stage one? Yeah, absolutely.
What if your 17 year old is on stage one? We expect our two-year-old to be there,
that’s developmentally appropriate but when these older kids get into stage one,
we say that they are immature, right? Because we expect them to be at a higher
level of development. That’s stage one, got it? Now let’s move to stage two. At stage
two, we stop fighting and start cooperating, at stage two we don’t want
any problems, we want to keep the peace, at stage two we’re willing to negotiate
and we’re willing to work out some kind of a win-win solution. You scratch my
back, I’ll scratch yours. It’s a very complimentary, very workable
stage of development. Are you excited for stage 3? Now let’s look at stage 3. Stage
3 is where true responsibility kicks in, this is where our behavior is driven by
morals and ethics and values, it’s where we actually do the right things for the
right reasons. Stage 3 is where initiative kicks in. Initiative is where
you see what needs to be done and you do it, you don’t even have to be asked. Stage
3 is this amazing stage where you get to have a whole lot of control over your
own life. Now can you correctly identify those three stages in your own kids or
is the case maybe in yourself? Let’s watch out for
that too but in your kids, let’s say that you’ve got a 13 year old kid, okay. What
stage is that person on? Ha! Trick question. It’s not about age, it’s about
stage. Any kid of any age could be in any of these stages. 13 years old, you’d
expect him to be reasonably mature, right? So what if I approach my 13 year old,
we’ll call him Ber Fleur. Hey, Ber Fleur, would you please take out the garbage?
Now if Ber Fleur is on stage 1, what kind of a response am I going to get? We’d be
glad you’re slave? Nobody else ever asked to do anything around here, it’s always
me. Why are you always picking on me? This isn’t fair, I want another family or it
might be more subtle. Whatever, I don’t even know what that means deal. Either
way at stage 1, he’s not going to cooperate. Okay, what if he’s
on stage 2? Hey, Ber Fleur, would you take out the garbage? Yeah, okay. Or he’s not
happy about it.. Fine and then he does it with heavy feet, you know, so you hear
every step as he comes out to take out the garbage
but he’s going to cooperate, that’s the key at stage 2. What if he’s on stage 3? Hey, Ber
Fleur, would you take out the garbage? Dad, I already did that. I know that
it goes out every Thursday. Is there anything else I could help you do today?
Wouldn’t that be amazing? Kids can figure this out and when they do, guess what?
Their parents want to give them more control, meaning freedom, right? Now why
does this work? Because what do kids want? They want freedom, okay.
That’s written up on our graph as control. They want control. What do
parents want? Now I asked kids this and they say, “Oh my parents want to control
my life.” I’m looking at mom or dad over there and they’re like,
“I got too much to do. I wish they would control their life so I don’t have to.”
Parents don’t want control, parents want maturity, don’t they? Yeah,
that means we’ve got a deal in the making because kids can have control and
parents are happy to give it to him if kids will give their parents maturity.
See how true that is? And kids understand this too. The positive parenting approach
to teaching kids responsibility has to do with understanding these three stages
so that you can do the right thing as a parent. Now there’s three C’s I’m going to
share with you as to what your job is as a parent and it depends on what stage
your kids are on so if you’re confident that you know, let’s look at stage one
first. Consequences, it’s the only thing that works on stage one. Why? Because this
is their stage of moral development, this is why they do what they do, it’s all
about externalized consequences. We’ll do some other videos about some of the
possibilities for what those might look like. Consequences bleed over to stage
2 but there’s a big difference in the kind of consequences we use at stage 2
versus stage 1 and it has to do with control. At stage 1, you have to use
consequences that do not require cooperation. Why? Because you don’t get it
until stage 2. By definition, stage 2 will still use consequences but they can be
the kind that require cooperation. You see the difference? And when they
move to stage 2, we’ll add communication because now
they’re at the stage of development where they can rationally communicate
and we can have some conversation with them about the morals or the principles
or the purposes behind whatever it is that we’ve asked them to do. Stage 3,
that one’s easy. Consultation, this is where your kids
come to you and they ask you for your wise sagely advice and as you share that
with them, they say, “Oh, thank you, dear mother, I will do that.” Then they go home
to their own five kids. Now maybe they can learn it before they’re adults. I
think they can and I’ve seen many kids do this but the point at stage three is
that it’s self discipline so you get to back off as a parent and just allow them
to do their thing because they’re at that stage of moral development. Positive
parenting, this is an affirming approach that acknowledges the moral
developmental stage of your child and then all you have to do is discern where
they are so that you can come in on the top half of that diagram and take
however much control is needed;. It’s a great theory to start with our positive
parenting. Wow, what an adventure this parenting thing is. Now with some
positive entities, we’ll be able to teach those kids responsibility even better.
Share this episode with someone you love.

About James Carlton

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69 thoughts on “Teaching Kids Responsibility – Positive Parenting

  1. This is one of my favorites! Still working on stage one for some things with my eighteen year old! Thanks for helping me understand instead of feeling like I've failed her!

  2. Hy Doc. I am Ana and I am from Romania. I have 3 daughters .8,4and 9 months old.the older one is very very (I don't know how to say properly)possessive. Is very hard to convince her to do everything. She won't do that or that .anything I say the answer is NO.she is snapping her 4 year old sister .she is talking back to me.i don't know What to do.
    At school she is the best kid.she is listening she is….the perfect kid.when she is home…i don't know. ..She is totally different. Pleas give me an advice.my email is [email protected] thanks.
    Ps:I love your videos. Keep on.

  3. Your videos don't get the credit where credit is due. Your advice has helped many young parents I know. Thank you

  4. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป

  5. Very helpful and detailed concept. Can you please add some more details with examples using actual wording on how to get this done. Thanks!

  6. I have watched this over and over again and still do not really get it. I do get my nearly 9 year old throw fits still. not at school anymore but at home when he gets a consequence or told no. and sometimes when he dose not want to do something.

  7. My mom is a parent that doesn't care about our personal happiness or feelings, she's the only one that matters and we just have to do what she wants. When I say this, I'm not being a whiny brat. This is something she has expressed to me. She told me that the only thing that matters is that we're self suficient and that she doesn't care about us being happy.

  8. My child had ADHD and autism and now he is 14 and I am finally trying to teach him to do chores and how to trust and all .. it seems as though he learns and he goes back to where he was before in about 3 months idk what's happening

  9. Hi! Great video. Could you list some examples of consequences that donโ€™t require cooperation and some that do require cooperation? Thank you

  10. Would be good to have some kind of broad age groups for these stages. I really love the teaching in this – hope I remember to put them in practice with my now 4 years and 15 months old

  11. This will be a great guide to create indicators for my character growth data for my Masters in Teaching defense, thanks so much!

  12. Happened to accidently stump on your channel n loving it so much! I do understand what you are saying but still not fully got it. It would be nice if you can input some examples after your explaination. For e.g. you'd said consequences needed for both stage 1& 2 – So what kind of consequences are appropriate for both stages. How do I deal with my 11 yr old son who seems to fall in both stage 1 & 2? Is there any of your videos that are more clearer n deeper?

  13. i'll probably use much of what you say when it comes to my daughter. It's relieving to see this, my parents did a number on me. I just hope i can do better, i don't want her to suffer like i do.

  14. I have to say this morning when I woke up I felt like I was lost, I have 12 year old and now it stating to make sense. Thank you so much for this video!!๐Ÿ˜Š

  15. Absolutely LOVE your positivity and groundedness. I guess it's possible to be at different stages regarding different subjects at the same time right?

  16. Oh my god! My 15 year old is on the stage 1. Help!!!!!! All the blame is on others……on me …on her father …..itโ€™s very difficult. I donโ€™t know what to do. She doesnโ€™t want to study, to help …nothing at all. Helllp

  17. What if one day they agree to unloading the dishwasher with no problem and the next day they whine about it? What if one day they're in a good mood and are polite and nice and the next day they are rude and obnoxious. Also, What stage would you say they are at?

  18. In this instant does mature mean more compliant? So if they don't do as they ask do you remove the things I can control? (internet etc)

  19. Thanks it's very helpfull; need you to give keys to how to deal with 20 yeard old who's still in stage 1.
    Ps. We don't live in the US and kids do'nt move out when they're older.

  20. ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘ I asked my daughter take the garbagge..She Said yes, but She got distracted..and she forgott.

  21. Your 14-minute videos last over 40 minutes from me pausing, writing, taking notes and thinking on how I do things. I am completely immersed in this whole idea of love, discipline, control, maturity thinking versus fight, garbage into gold, consequences, empathy. My brain actually hurts right now. I havenยดt stopped since this morning. Itยดs like I am taking a seminar. Dr. Paul, I am sincerely grateful for your life, your time in making these videos, the times you answer my questions. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! You have truly blessed and changed my life and my teaching at school (Cause I don't have kids yet).

  22. I am trying to get some information for my first job working with young kids and I must say you come across as incredibly condescending towards teens and kids in this video.

  23. Yes can you please make about making bath time my 2.5 year old scared from the bath she screaming and crying and I don't know what to do

  24. As a new father love your vids they are great n I have implemented them on my family, it has strengthen my bond with my wife n we hardly ever discipline our kid cause he is extremely helpful n confident but do u have any vids on dealing with older sibling who is depressed has bpd n multiple personality… She blames everyone n everything if there is no one to blame she blames her mental illness, she constantly brings up the past n has this thought she's the good person n has done nothing wrong, and even if u have a great time with her when she visits to be with her nephew she immediately goes n brings up everything and ruins the good times…. I'm at my wit's end n I'm literally thinking's she's not just crazy but insane… I tried being positive, I tried being happy n supportive but nothing helps she makes herself hopeless n no matter what I do I can't talk her out of it n it always always ends with her claiming suicide or homicide n I just can't deal with it I try to tell her not to call me about that because I have a family I have to give attention n love to n I can just keep being positive and happy with a constant n depressing black hole ever present as of right now I want to completely cut ties I don't want her in my families life because I just don't want her to have that kinda influence to my two n a half year old.

  25. I have to admit that I'm too young to be a parent and don't plan on being one in the next few years, but I'm still watching videos from this channel for a few stories of mine. Anyways I just wanted to say that I wish my mom would let me cook, wash the dishes, clean my room and do on. All I'm allowed to do is stay in my room or downstairs and do my hobbies. Sure it's not that bad, but it just got boring once I didn't have any friends anymore. But I hopefully will remember this channel and the tips until I'm finally an adult and I can move out.

  26. I have to keep coming back to watch this video. Our kids keep bouncing between the stages. Itโ€™s driving me nuts. Thank you Dr Paul. You help keep me sane

  27. 9:21 "Berflur" hahaha! Now I know where you got the name. I always wondered! Today's video explained it: "Understanding Child Development for Parents," 24 July 2019 at 2:54 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYmzG4nJntM&t=175s) ๐Ÿ˜‰

  28. Could you give example of stage 2 consequence as I did not understand it and also what is meant by communication and responsibility in that stage?

  29. Quite interesting are your topics
    I have had challenges with my kids they have been difficult lot taking offence to correction to point of resentment,teaming up sympathetic with each other during disciplinary moments now grown angry negative and depressed.

  30. Thanks Dr Paul, is it good idea to show the video to my son who is 12 years old. He is very mature person bu t I doubt..thanks

  31. Wow!! As usual Dr. Paul you've nailed it correctly!! This is so very educative and has helped me clearly understand the importance of stages of maturity and to deal with the little ones as is appropriate of the different stages they belong to. I was actually rushing them into stage 3 and expecting a positive response, which obviously didn't happen๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ and now I know where I went wrong. Thank you very much for your help and guidance! Your channel has become the best base for a fresh perspective on positive parenting and I simply love that name! It's so full of impact!๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘

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