How To Forgive
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How To Forgive


It can be so hard to forgive because – so
often – we simply are in the right and the scale of the folly, thoughtlessness and meanness
of others seems utterly beyond our own measure. But there are two inviolable ideas which should
nevertheless, in the face of the grossest behavior, be kept in mind to increase our
chances of being able to forgive. Firstly: we must remember how the other person
got there, to this place of idiocy and cruelty. Every irritating fault in another person has
a long history behind it. They have become like this because of flaws in their development,
which they did not choose for themselves. They were shaped by troubles which we cannot
see but which we can know exist. The arrogant person was trapped (at some key point in their
personal evolution) in an environment where being modest and reasonable seemed to guarantee
they’d be trampled on. The hyper-critical individual has lived too much, as their personality
was growing, around people who couldn’t take a gentle hint – so they came to rely
on blunt assertions. The frustratingly timid, mousy person was (at some stage) terrified;
the show-off learned their irritating manner around people who were hard to please. Behind
every failing – behind everything that’s wrong and infuriating about those we meet
– is a decisive trauma encountered before someone could cope with it properly. They
are maddening but they got to be this way without meaning to. To forgive is to understand
the origins of evil and cruelty. Secondly, and very strangely, there are difficult things
about you too. Of course, not in this area. Not in any area remotely connected to the
sort of lapses that destroy your faith in humanity. But in some areas, quiet areas that
you forget about as soon as you’ve travelled through them, you too are a deeply imperfect
and questionable individual. Gently, you have – in your own way – betrayed. Nicely,
you have been a coward. Modestly, you have forgotten your privileges. Unthinkingly, you
have added salt to the wounds of others. We don’t need to know anything about you to
know this as a certainty. We must forgive because – not right now, not over this,
but one day, over something – we need to be forgiven. We would – in the past – regularly
have looked up to the heavens for this forgiveness. We do that less and less. But that doesn’t
attenuate the need for some moments when we limber up to utter that most implausible word
‘sorry’ – or indeed stretch our ethical imagination in order to pronounce those even
more arduous and unnatural words, ‘I forgive you. The School Of Life isn’t just a YouTube Channel, it’s an actual school where you can go and take classes. We have branches in ten locations around the world. To find out more click the link on the screen now.

About James Carlton

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100 thoughts on “How To Forgive

  1. It is said that …:Forgiveness is the most selfish thing you can do for yourself"
    It is something you do for yourself, not for the other…

  2. First you say forgiving is to understand the origins of others evil and cruelty, but I wonder how can any person wouldn’t know that everyone else has their own life, their own issues and has passed through difficult shit (some of they really hard shit). And of course that knowing why the other did what he/she did helps us to understand and eventually be able to forgive him/her, but just in the cases the circumstances can explain that their intention were not to harm us, at least not directly. But in any other situation, I mean if their intention were to harm us indeed, knowing why they did it (what kind of childhood trauma got them to be that way… boo boo) doesn’t fix anything. Sure, it can explain their actions (psychologically, if you want), but that does not justify them. As I said, everyone of us has our own problems, but most of us (I hope) don’t make others miserable because of that, is not their fault so they don’t have to suffer due to our own pain. Nevertheless, if someone does exactly the opposite, I personally think he/she should not be forgiven.
    And I know what you’re thinking by now, that most of the people makes “salt clouds” to others so we should forgive each other ‘cause “we cannot throw the rock if we’re not clean either”… which lead us to the second point.
    You’re sayin’ we must conform ourselves with others being assholes because we’re also assholes or will be someday? We should forgive them because someday we’ll need to be forgiven too?! Fuck off! That sounds like Pascal’s Square argument to defend the faith in God for CONVENIENCE… that’s being a stupid and a coward, besides purely selfish. And I hope I don’t have to explain why that’s not forgive.
    Summarizing, you say all of us are crap (which I agree with) so we should forgive (tolerate) everyone else’s crap (which I disagree with). I say anyone who’s intentions had been good could be forgiven, and could but shouldn’t if their not. We must not forgive (tolerate) evil and cruelty when we know where they come from just because “we’re all like that”. That would just spread the behavior when people realizes there are no consequences for their acts and they would want to excuse theirselves with this “argument”. We should improve ourselves to erradicate those socials issues. And I think a great way to start is to NOT forgiving those who doesn’t take respect seriously, those who’s intentions are mean.
    Don’t forgive others expecting you to be forgiven someday. Remember that the love you take is equal to the love you make. If you treat others with love and respect, you’ll never need to ask for forgiveness.

  3. I can forgive them but doesn’t mean I’ll keep seeing them. If they did me wrong, they don’t deserve my presence. Who knows when they’ll repeat their actions?

  4. Seems like a lot of idiots didn't even bother to watch the video. So disappointed in their stupidity. Seems like many fools are just stuck in revenge mode all the time and have no soul for forgiveness. Only the strong know how to forgive.

  5. I read this somewhere: When understanding is present, forgiveness is no longer necessary. This is a truth taught by many great spiritual Masters. So many people try and forgive to be "the better person." But that is not forgiveness, that is ego, and it always ends in failure. Forgiveness is not forgiveness so long as it bears an ounce of condescension. Forgiveness is not descending to your brother's level and lending a hand; it is realizing you are already there. Forgive another as you would yourself. And forgive yourself as you would another. Because, in fact, there is absolutely no difference.

  6. Holding onto anger is like having a weight chained to your ankle that holds you down. In order to grow in life and soar, we must forgive others, not for the sake of them, but for the sake of us. Wonderful video! Thanks for sharing and helping people to live full out!

  7. You say that god loves us so much that he killed himself instead of us, does god love his people differently?

    Meaning: why would he give him self to the jaws to kill him? Aren't they humans also? Aren't they his people too?

    which
    is bigger ? Eating from a tree or killing a god? How can god save a
    group of people from a sin that they had nothing to do with it, and let
    other group to fall in a much bigger and greater sin?

    you say
    that Jesus died to save us from Adam's sin, what do we have to do with
    Adam's sin? And why does Jesus has to be punished and tortured instead
    of Adam?

    There is no need for God, or even a Prophet of God to sacrifice himself for humankind’s sins in order to buy forgiveness.

    Forgiveness
    emanates from the One True God; so, when a person seeks forgiveness, he
    must turn to God submissively with true remorse and ask for
    forgiveness, promising not to repeat the sin. 

    Then and only then will sins be forgiven by God Almighty.

    Islam
    teaches that Jesus did not come to atone for the sins of humankind;
    rather, his purpose was to reaffirm the message of the Prophets before
    him.

    “..  None has the right to be worshipped but God, the One and the Only True God…” (Quran 3:62)

    The Islamic belief about Jesus’ crucifixion and death is clear.  He did not die to atone for humankind’s sins. 

    There was a plot to crucify Jesus but it did not succeed; he did not die but rather ascended into heaven. 

    In
    the last days leading up to the Day of Judgement, Jesus will return to
    this world and continue to spread the belief in the Oneness of God.

    The
    Quran tells us that on the Day of Judgement Jesus will deny ever asking
    the people to worship him instead of, or along with God.

    God
    tells us in Quran that there is only one unforgiveable sin, and that is
    if one dies having associated partners with God and did not repent from
    it before his death.

    However, even the grave sin of associating
    partners with God can be forgiven if one truly turns to God, sincerely
    and with full repentance.

    “Say to those who have disbelieved, if they cease (from disbelief), their past will be forgiven.” (Quran 8:38)

    Every
    human being can attain salvation by worshipping One God.  Staying
    connected to God and repenting from mistakes and sins is the road to
    salvation.

  8. We may find it hard to forgive but to be able to forgive someone is the nicest feeling we could ever feel in our life. It makes us feel peaceful and harmonious. This video helps in showing us how to forgive people who caused us too much pain.

  9. sometimes feel like wanna break my brother's head because of his cruel and harsh abuse towards me…causing me severe traumatic stress disoder…and panic disorder… i hated him for so long that it seems so hard to really learn how to forgive him. the hate and anger envelope my soul that sometimes i feel breathless and lack of spiritness. i wish i could forgive if i can…because no matter what hate is not something worth having and is really a baggage that only trouble oneself in many form of misery and depression and low in spirit. so i think, irregardless how much i hate my brother, hating will never a good choice and something that need to be rid of in anyway. forgiveness sometimes goes beyond just saying i forgive, it's about fully accepting what has happened no matter how unfairly it is, and then allow the anger to be felt and release, and then allow oneself to grieve if needed to and finally, accept the grace of God to give him the mercy and allow oneself to be wash from all hate. and then to move on toward better life, in a more posiitve way

  10. ●○●○~{forgive others not be cause they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace}~●○●○

  11. I will never forgive the woman that birthed me. She is a nasty fucking bitch who refuses to take responsibility for being the most worthless person in my life and she goes out of her way to try and jam her disgusting hatred for me down my throat. The only thing i will do for her is slap the taste out of her mouth whenever i have the displeasure of laying eyes on her. She deserves nothing more and nothing less. Plus, you cant forgive someone that isnt sorry and doesnt care and i know this because i tried forgiving that horrific psychopath in the past and that Kronos bitch didnt do anything to change but seemed to feel entitled to it. I dont want anything to do with her and i wait for the day i hear she is gone from this world for good.

    Honestly, having done so for so many people who have utterly betrayed me in the past, i can say it is a far overrated action. Doing so has never done anything for my life but make it worst it seems so i just cut people out when they go there and that seems to be the best thing for me. And if someone actually cares, theyll make the effort to show so it and still, there are lines that cannot be uncrossed.

  12. They always tell you you have to forgive him/her, it will make you a better person or stronger, but that's not always the case. First of all, the perpetrator may not even need your forgiveness. He may be at peace with what he did, so by saying I forgave him, you did that selfishly to nurture the delusion that you are better than him. Apparently you are not. You are weak and pathetic and that was the only way you had left to feel superior. You don't have to forgive everyone, especially if it doesn't sit well with you. You can move on without doing so, because you know your value and your boundaries and the person that violated them only deserves to be cast out from your life. But if it feels good for you to forgive, then know that always forgiving everyone means your forgiveness eventually will have no credit and value since everyone will get absolution. Then the result will be self-pity and self-loathing because everyone will feel free to ram into your life.

  13. I think this video is implying that you should forgive and reconcile, which is a misconception about the meaning of forgiveness. The whole point of forgiveness is stop being angry and sore about someone's wrongdoings, stop talking about it or thinking about it.
    Of course there might be people who you will always be angry towards despite how long it has been, but as long as you don't let them consume your daily life or even plan revenge on them, then you are on the right path towards forgiveness.

  14. i said; I forgive you to my parents at age 22 after also praising them for how they raised me, THEY SCREAMED; FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT? bwahahahah ha

  15. I'm working on forgiving A LOT of people. My parents in particular. I suppressed practically everything, but it still hurts to think about. It's time to move on.

  16. I can't forgive, forgiveness invokes sympathy which is the enemy of humanity.
    We never symphatize with real people, just rapists and false accusers nowadays.

    However, we can still forgive and not be sympathicc (pun intended) right?

  17. Well forgiveness is up to you if you want to forgive but yea i know forgiveness is so hard but no one is perfect that's so true and real

  18. I believe what the video is trying to tell us is
    1. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you’re totally ok with what someone did to you
    2. Forgiveness doesn’t mean to not seek for Justice (so that they won’t hurt someone else again)
    3. Forgiveness doesn’t mean to allow others to continue to make a fool out of you
    4. Forgiveness is to not form that dark sense of revenge in your heart coz we don’t choose who we meet everyday when we get out of our homes. This life is just like a story book, every character has their own part to play and they too also have their chapter that would soon end sooner or later…

  19. It helps to forgive others by changing our perception of what happened. Rather looking at the hurt as something they did to me, view it has something that had to of happen to me (acceptance of what is because we cant change the past). This switch also changes how we view ourselves. It takes the victim mentality, the blame game, the "woe is me" identity away from you. Changing your perception gives back to you, your power and puts you in charge. 💜💙💜

  20. My problem with the idea of forgiveness is that it seems to presuppose that I can judge whether someone else has done wrong or not. Why not just not condemn in the first place ? Then you don't need to forgive.

  21. Bitch please, that’s what my abuse ex wants so he can live his life freely without having to learn to improve. Staying angry at him keeps me from letting him back into my life to avoid conflict.

  22. Forgiveness doesn't mean you think what they did was acceptable or good. Instead it means you have had enough of that experience or person controlling you.

  23. I can forgive but I can't forget, I forgive you but slowly, I had less trust on you.
    Yes, I know. They are not perfect human, they can make big mistake. It might affect us.
    I learn to not throw on my friends with my deep feelings, my emotions.
    Like them, I made big mistakes on someone and they forgiven me. What I did to someone is painfully yet they are the one apologize. I was fool and inmature in the past
    And now, I was in their place. The one who get hurt, thinking if I can forgive them or not. And be friends with them
    Idk what to do rn,… I need advice..

  24. TY. Mean behavior comes from THEIR fear&anger.KINDNESS comes from THEIR LOVE!WHAT PEOPLE SAY&Do is a REFLECTION of them NOT me&you! 🙂

  25. Matthew 26 : 27. "Drink it, all of you, he said, this is my blood that seals God's covenant, my blood poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

  26. Matthew 6:14-15 King James Version (KJV)

    14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

    15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

  27. it’s good to be forgiving, but i’m way too forgiving and it causes problems for me and others. it gets me hurt and i just feel too compelled to forgive and i can’t not do it.

  28. Came here because I want to forgive someone but it is so hard, I think what she did was horrible and maybe the lesson life is giving her now is that if you do horrible actions the price you pay is that someone will stop loving you. It’s more complicated than that. I love her still, but somehow now i can’t seem to do it they way it was before knowing her actions. In short this person faked she was raped… she destroyed a man’s life, stranged him from his family… all based in a lie, and for what? Because back then it was the 50s and doing it before marriage was degrading or some weird shit. I’m trying to understand her position but can’t reconcile that, because she was not able to hold responsibility for her actions, she sow pain in the heart of others. Ok, this person is my grandmother. She also hurt my mom a lot. My mom hurt me as well but we were able to forgive each other and understand why it happened. Also, I must recognize all that my mom sacrifice to give a more than privileged life compare to hers (she walked with broken shoes bc didn’t have money for new ones so there’s that). Seems like my grandma didn’t care or love her a lot because she was a girl and she wanted a boy, so this “rape” product was a disappointment, all her lies for “a girl”. She had an accident and couldn’t have more babies so, I guess she was already “paying” for her bad deeds if such a thing as karma exists. Then she was an alcoholic and promiscuous mother. Now she plays the victim and asks herself why her grandchildren (and I guess me specially) don’t love her as much as before. Now, all this is a secret. She doesn’t know I know what she did and I don’t want to tell her to avoid hurting her, but it seems I can’t do more, maybe as a last act of love, but I don’t know if I can go further. It’s really hard living with this as well, since I have all my childhood memories with her, she was a loving grandma (also gee, bc of her age she has become bitter and weird so that makes even harder to be nice to her). Idk I feel this sucks. I don’t feel like loving my grandma yet I do yet I somehow despise her yet I feel pity for her and it goes on and on. Any advice or comment would be appreciated. Sorry for all this.

    Edit: she ain’t admitting her wrongs nor asking for any forgiveness since she doesn’t know I or any other person knows. She also ruined (once again) my moms life since she stranged herself from her dad (thinking he was. rapist) only to know that was never true. When my grandpa looked for her to talk, she told him she wanted nothing to do with someone like him. She did that bc she loved her mom (my grandma). She deprived herself from having a relationship with her father all bc of a lying mother. So yeah, fucked up person is this grandma of me.

  29. What if you've acomplished to do so, you really want to do so, but your behaviour towards them has changed because of their actions? You're more careful or less trusting. You tought you'd forgiven that person but your perspective hasn't gone back to what it was.

  30. What if it is traumatizing, universally unacceptable, incomprehensible and life disrupting? How do you forgive the unforgivable?

  31. I'm way too forgiving for the internet…Scriously i've come across so many videos with comments saying that they'il never forgive peoples actions and it makes me feel left out and pissed.

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