How not to survive School
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How not to survive School


Oh yeah Dan! Why don’t you film your next video outside? That’s a great idea! *signs of coldness* So Okay, I am freezing my tits off. We’re going in. Right. So this is the the time of year when those of you who are still in school have just started to go back *snort* Sucks to be you! High-five to the people not at school, yeah! How’s that existential crisis coming along? One thing that I get asked a lot is, “Dan, you didn’t finish education that long ago, how did you survive school?” Erm, to put it simply, I didn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved some classes and some teachers and I had some great times with my friends but, err, no one wants to hear positive anecdotes so, instead of offering advice on how to get through school I thought I’d just say everything which you should definitely avoid doing. [upbeat music] Leave all of your homework to the last minute. Every time. The idea that after spending six hours walking around hell I’d have to go home and solve more equations I just disagreed with, morally We all know I’m a big procrastinator, but as any one of my school friends would tell you I almost literally never did any homework. Past excuses that I cannot recommend include: Sigh, what is it this time? Would you believe my printer broke? Ugh, so annoying *grinding of printer hate* Yeah, that’ll do. I had nose cancer. Yeah, but I’ve totally recovered now. And I’ve got a, uh, letter from my mum. And sometimes just: I didn’t do it, okay? Just, punish me. Whatever it is, just lay it on me, right now. I’m ready, just do it. But trust me, okay, unless you aspire to having a successful career or something, you will not need trigonometry, at any point in your life. Probably. Alright, mate, gimme your iPhone. No, good sir, for I have the power of triangles! You what? [comic shooting sounds] *sizzle* [triumphant music] So I tell you from experience, the best thing is to do it, as soon as you’ve been set it but, uh, hey, practice what you preach! Dealing with Dickheads. Let people’s words get to you, even though they’re just kids, dealing with their own issues. I don’t know why, but I stood out as an easy target. I think it might be because I’m one of those humans that actually smiles at people, which is, you know, obviously a sign of weakness which should be punished. But the problem with going to school in south-west England is that you basically have a bunch of middle-class white kids that like to think they’re drug dealing rappers Dafuq you lookin’ at blud? Don’t make me shoot you! What? Mummy, I want my pudding! No, Timothy, after you’ve finished your caviar. Now I’m quite a, um, I refuse to call myself sassy kind of person I like that kind of conflict the kind where I get to make someone realise how stupid they are The thing is, though, as I am literally the human fucking embodiment of Winnie the Pooh I would never say it Not because I was a pussy. I just didn’t really care. I was unintentionally Jesus, that’s what I’m saying here. This is what I mean. [music] Sigh, why are you both late? I know why he was late, cause he was busy being a gaylord! Ha ha! Dickhead. What? [music] I know why he was late, cause he was busy being a gaylord! Oh why were you late, then? Did the family caravan break down? Did your mum get in the car and the wheels fell off? Did you get sent home from Jeremy Kyle for being too ugly? [sobs] So hey. I’m sure we all know a few people like that, but I turned out okay, apart from the, um, deep seated anger which now permanently resides within me. [cheering] Teachers! Talk back to them! That way, you’ll earn their respect. I don’t know why I refused to retaliate to other kids, but I had no problem getting my sass out on a teacher I remember once, when I was 17, my geography teacher called me a peasant. I’m not joking, this actually happened. I think I was arguing some point about global warming, and she said “Daniel, shut up, you’re behaving like a peasant.” [snaps fingers] Like, actual silence fell across the room, and I was just like, “You can’t call your students peasants!” “Yes, I can. I just did.” We had an in-depth coversation after class. I mean other than the Irish math teacher I had for three years, which totally ruined my education, [heavily accented] Shut up okay? Right, today, lads we’re gonna be talkin’ about surds. Ohh. Well, I’m fucked. And the English teacher who definitely just didn’t give a shit Right, well, uh, who wants to watch a video? Um, sir, the exam is next week and we haven’t really started doing anything. Uh, my wife just left me and I’m having a mid-life crisis whilst dealing with alcohol problems. Some of them were really cool. And finally, getting out of gym. Claim to forget your sports kit, every week. For two years. I’m not joking, okay? It just got to a point where I had had enough of playing rugby in frozen mud at 9 am and being shouted at for being about as useful on a football team, as a walrus with no limbs. So there was basically a gang of druggies and emos who literally said they’d forgotten their kit every week and used to just sit there listening to their iPods for an hour. Hey Dan, you should check out this band called Fall Out Boy. -Oh, okay! I loved that class. So there we go! That is, from personal experience, everything you should completely ignore if you want to have a great time at school. One thing I will say though, and I’m sure everyone over 18 watching can relate to this: Yes, homework sucks and school is full of twats, but at least you don’t have to constantly worry about your future. See, when you’re in school, you don’t really have to worry about the future cause you have to be in school for the next few years, but as soon as you leave, it’s like Oh my god! Oh god! Every second I spend doing nothing, i’m wasting my life! Oh god! So yeah, sucks to be you! I’ll just go back to worrying what I’m doing for the rest of my life [storm sounds] It’s the sexy end-screen dance! I’m not doing it for fun, I’m doing it so I don’t freeze to death. Yeah, I hope you enjoyed the video and if you did, then please thumb me you know where to put that thing And if you want to see more of my videos, click here to subscribe to my channel. Sometimes I contemplate what I’m doing with the rest of my life and then I remind myself, ah yes, you thrust your hips in front of a camera for the internet. Great. I know that some of you have probably finished school and some of you probably haven’t even started yet- Yeah, Dan loads of 4-year-olds watch YouTube videos, don’t they. Bleh.

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100 thoughts on “How not to survive School

  1. I used to go to that school and had the Irish maths teacher in year 7 and I couldn’t understand the man. He was fired when I was in year 9 after being caught putting whiskey in his coffee

  2. At my school, if you forgot you gym change out or whatever you have to change into something from the lost and found.

    HoW iS tHaT aNy BeTTeR tHaN wHaT I wAs ALrEaDy WeAriNg!?

  3. I've waited 6 years to give Dan the "not in school" high-five. It's the only thing that's kept me going

    …omg I have no life bye

  4. Oh the first video I ever watched of Dan bACK IN THE DAY
    My obsession of this adorable bean began🙌🙌🙌❤️

  5. In my school if u forget ur kit, u get the spare kit that doesn't fit or do it in Ur uniform and we aren't allowed to have our phones in school.

  6. I know this was years ago, but I have a built up anger for someone in my school, and I now have them a lot, they are like if Donald Trump and Hitler had a baby, and then mentally scared that baby, and then later in life that now adult had a baby with Jake paul.

  7. I literally said to my teacher in the year before highschool "how does it feel to be stuck in a dead end job"

  8. Once my math teacher told me “Shut up, have fun when I’m tutoring you in summer school for failing your damn final” directed to me. To be fair i failed almost all my tests but I’ve never forgotten about that public embarrassment.

  9. The only time I ever did homework was if I knew I actually needed to (example, I have a low B in that class and the HW is also extra credit) Or the teacher said "if you don't do this, I'm calling your parents" imma do that shit with a smile

  10. i actually do worry about the future lol im 16 and i wanna move out and i think about it everyday and my dad literally tells me to get a job and that im wasting my life
    every
    single
    day
    so yee i wanna move out
    somone
    help

  11. I do roast kids when they are being annoying but half the time I can't talk so it goes like this
    in my head: you twatt go back home and Jack off to ur sis in the shower.
    What I actually sat: you test go back home a-a-and go j-j-j-jack off to y-your sis

  12. In eighth grade I had this german teacher who really should not be teaching. He went off on tangents constantly and we never learned anything, and the only reason I did well in that class was because of Duolingo. At the end of the year, one of my friends asked him for a review packet for our final exam. He had review packets on his desk but he refused to give them to us because , and I quote, “not everything in life is going to be handed to you on a fucking silver platter

    Edit: I’m pretty sure he retired. Thank god

  13. I don't know why I see this during the holidays, but I'm not sure I'll follow what this video says next year.

  14. I had a teacher that thought that my crocodile shaped pen was real and got a broom and threw it in the trash

  15. Last year in math i had two modes: do the homework in class, or, dont do it at all. Yes my teacher got pissed, took my almost finished homework, put it in the recycling bin and didnt let me get it back. Least to say, i didnt do homework for the rest of the year

  16. Boi we had a maths teacher from London and he was such a fucking prick. I’m school is an all Irish and we need to know maths terms in Irish (for the JC and LC) but nope he didn’t have any Irish 😑 like y work in an Irish school when ya don’t have any Irish!!!!!

  17. last time i watched this video i was in school and didn’t understand the existential crisis he talked about after school but boi can i say i relate way to much now and i wish i couldn’t

  18. 2:46 honestly same, I actually said what I wanted to say once, we made eye contact at break a while after and I started dying of laughter she still hates me

  19. Dan: “At least you don’t have to worry about your future”
    Me: “But I already do and I still need to go to school for 10 years or something”

  20. My school gives detentions if you forget sports uniform… my friend and i stole shit from lost and found

  21. My teacher once said the reason kids take their attitudes out on teacher's is bc they can test their waters out there but they can't at home

  22. HAHAHAHA!!! After being in high school for one year (that was hell in itself) I realized that since I'm going into grade 11 everyone has already chosen a university and or college, we do have to think of the future… AND FUCK SAKE I'D RATHER BE A KID THEN A ADULT!!! (But a kid with laws as a adult though, that I would love) and everyone wants me to be something and choose a university already…. Bitch I don't want any of that shit, I'd rather be a cashier in a famously named convenience store for the next 5 years because I don't want extra stress after of what I had in high school…. And yes respect your teachers even though they're sassy to you, they'll help you in the long run. Trust me

  23. If dan would be my fifth grade teacher i would be blessed cuz i have only 5s in english btw im estonian anf im best at english in my class so DAN GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE

  24. To be truthful this is true only in p.e u would need to do it in or clothes and if we went to school together we would be friends

  25. My maths teacher in YR10 was iconic. The whole school absolutely adored him. He got my class to listen to maths during love Island by doing Maths Island and having the work themed around it. He also once went out of the lesson and get a cup of water, play send my friend to school and lecture us when our class wouldn't listen.

  26. Ha.ha.ha. I'm still in school and I am already having existential crisises so ha? Im worrying about my existence earlier then you? Randomly starts sobbing

  27. I remember watching this in high school to get through high school and now I'm an unproductive adult feeling like I'm wasting my life doing nothing

  28. That last part caught me off guard… Once I entered Middle School (in 2015) everything was about my future. What I wanted to do, where I wanted to go to college, blah, blah, blah. And they wonder why gen z kids have so much fricking anxiety!

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