Hello, Class, Today’s Teacher Is Mr. Goldblum
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Hello, Class, Today’s Teacher Is Mr. Goldblum


(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>>WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME,
HAVE YOUR SEAT, HAVE YOUR SEAT. HEY, AS I ALLUDED TO IN THAT
MUSICAL– THANK YOU, THANK YOU, YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAVING A
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER TODAY AND ST, ST I, ME, MINE. MY NAME IS MR. GOLDBLUM THAT IS
G-O-L-D-B-L-U-M. MR. CORDEN IS AWAY DISCHARGING
OTHER OBLIGATIONS BUT WE HAVE SPOKEN SO I’M VERY FAMILIAR WITH
THE LESSON PLAN. IT IS NOT AS A FEW OF YOU KIDS
TOLL ME ON THE WAY IN THAT ON THURSDAYS WE DISPENSE ENTIRLY
WITH BOX AND ALL OF US ORDER OUT FOR PIZZA. NO, NO, NO. I WASN’T BORN YESTERDAY. MY EYES ARE PEELED FOR ANY
SHENANIGANS. WHAT HAPPENS AT THIS POINT IS
THAT MR. CORDEN OF COURSE READS OFF SOME JOLLY JOLLY JOCULARS,
SOME KNEE SLAPPERS, SOME WITTICISMS OF A TOPICAL NATURE. SO THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO
RIGHT NOW. HERE WE GO. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THAIS THANK YOU. HERE IS A LOCAL STORY. SOMEBODY JUST PAID A RECORD 150
MILLION DOLLARS FOR A MANSION HERE IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. IT HAS 18 BEDROOMS, 24 BATHROOMS
AND IF THEY WANT, ONE GOLDBLUM, YES, I’M GOING TO COME
AND– THAT IS A BIG HOUSINGS I WANT TO LIVE THERE. (APPLAUSE)
YEAH, (LAUGHTER)
HEY, BUT REALLY, $150 MILLION, FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY YOU COULD
LITERALLY BUILD JURASSIC PARK. IN JURASSIC PARK, SCAREE IN THE
DARKK I’M SO SCARED THAT I WILL BE EATEN. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
HEY, BY THE WAY, HERE IS ANOTHER INTERESTING AND ABSOLUTELY TRUE
STORY. ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY THE
1% OF AMERICANS DON’T TRUST OTHER DRIVERS ON THE ROADS
DURING THIS WINTER WEATHER. WELL, SOUNDS LUKE PEOPLE SHOULD
JUST STAY HOME THIS WINTER AND BINGE WATCH MY NEW SHOW ON
DISPLEA PLUS, THE WORLD ACCORDING TO JEFF GOLDBLUM. YEAH! THAT’S RIGHT. I MEAN STRICTLY FOR SAFETY
PURPOSES. THAT IS JUST FOR YOUR SAFETY,
FOR HEAVENS SAKE BE SAFE AM BUT IT IS TOUGH OUT THERE ON THE
ROADS. HEY, I WAS RECENTLY CUT OFF IN
TRAFFIC, THIS IS TRUE, AND THIS GUY WAS SO RUDE, HE WAS
DISTRACTED, HE WAS A TOTAL JERK. I THINK HE WAS SINGING KARAOKE,
AND YOU KNOW WHO WAS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT, HARRY STYLES. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW WHO THAT– OH, THAT WAS– I’M SO
SORRY, JAMES, I LOVE YOU. SORRY, SORRY, IT WAS YOU. HEY, I’M WARNING YOU. WINTER TRAVEL IS VERY DANGEROUS. IN FACT, I JUST HEARD ABOUT A
GRANDMA WHO GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER. (LAUGHTER)
NOW WE’RE COOKING WITH GAS. GOOD. I SHALL NOW RECITE ONE OF MY
FAVORITE QUOTES FROM GEORGE BERNARD SHAW, IT GOES LIKE. THIS THIS SLT TRUE JOY IN LIFE,
THE BEING USED FOR A PURPOSE CONSIDERED BY YOURSELF AS
MIGHTY. AND THE BEING A FORCE OF NATURE
INSTEAD OF A FEVERISH SELFISH LITTLE CLOD OF AILMENTS AN
GRIEVEANCES COMPLAINING THAT THE WORLD WILL NOT DE VOTE ITSELF TO
MAKING YOU HAPPY. I AM OF THE OPINION THAT MY LIFE
BELONGS TO THE WHOLE COMMUNITY AND WHILE I LIVE IT IS MY
PRIVILEGE TO DO FOR IT WHATEVER I CAN. I WANT TO BE THOROUGHLY USED UP
WHEN I DIE. FOR THE HARDER I WORK, THE MORE
I LIVE, I REJOICE IN LIFE FOR ITS OWN SAKE. LIFE IS NO BRIEF CANDLE TO ME. IT IS A SORT OF SPEND DID TORCH
I HAVE HOLD UP FOR A MOMENT AND I WANT TO MAKE IT BURN AS
BRIGHTLY AS POSSIBLE BEFORE HANDING IT ON TO FUTURE
GENERATIONS. IF YOU FOUND THAT YUN LIFTING,
APPLAUSE NOW. YOU DID? YOU DID? (APPLAUSE)
IF YOU THOUGHT THAT IT WAS TEDIOUS OR HUMORLESS OR LUIG YOU
BE RIOS APPLAUSE LUG YOU BE REE US A APPLAUSE NOW. (APPLAUSE)
HOW DARE YOU, HOW DARE YOU, HERE IS ONE MORE ATTEMPT THEN TO
BREAK THE ICE. HERE IS THE PREMISE OF THIS LAST
JOKE, AND IT IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AN AIRLINE IS
OFFERING PRIORITY BOARDING TO PASS SWRERS WEARING UGLY
CHRISTMAS SWEATERS. WELL, I GUESS THAT IS FESTIVE,
OF COURSE IT IS DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST ALL OF US JEWS BUT STILL
FESTIVE. BUT I GUESS IT’S WEIRD WHEN THEY
COME OVER THE INTERCOME AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE NOW BOARDING
GROUPS YUCK THROUGH EWW. (LAUGHTER)
WELL, ERNIE KOVACS WE’RE OFF TO A GREAT START. WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>REGGIE, ARE YOU READY?>>Reggie: ABSOLUTELY.>>THAT’S REGGIE WATTS. I’M YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER JEFF
GOLDBLUM, CLASS IS IN SESSION. THIS IS THE “LATE, LATE SHOW,”
ROLL THE TITLES.

About James Carlton

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96 thoughts on “Hello, Class, Today’s Teacher Is Mr. Goldblum

  1. Every time I see or hear Jeff Goldblum I think Jurassic Park. The only other show that I thought was incredible was Four Seasons. He was amazing in both films. Stay strong Jeff, we love you.

  2. ⭐Bravo! Smashed it!
    I Loved everything about Jeff hosting tonight! I like the change up of temporary hosts! I wonderrrrr….
    Would Meryl Streep ever EVER do something like this?!? She's a hoot!

  3. I imagine a parallel dimension where Jeff Goldblum is President of the USA and the world is such a lovely lovely place!!

  4. I met him after his jazz concert at my local jazz festival he was so sweet and I was freaking out and he just gave me a hug and said “take your time darling” because my camera wasn’t working, there was a crowd of people and he stayed until everyone was gone. Bless this beautiful man.

  5. Mr. Goldblum is a national treasure who must be protected at all cost. He could read toothpaste ingredients and be entertaining.

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