Alright, now when I was a kid,
I walked to and from school. And I’ve noticed, that not many kids
do that anymore, because.. Well, the world is a dangerous place these days. People like to snatch kids up off the st.. (RRRAAWR!) Now, maybe it was different in the 90s
or maybe my parents just didn’t care that much. “Ah, they’re fine as long as they stay in groups.” “Who’s gonna be able to stuff
four kids in a van all at the same time?” “Besides, if anyone gets kidnapped, it will be
the dumb one in the Scottie Pippen jersey.” “Isn’t that right, Michael?” “I once pooped in my cat’s litter box!” “You see? They’ll be fine!” And our walk to school
was not very interesting in general. But we would play a game, called But we would play a game, called
Field Goal! And how you play Field Goal is.. You run up behind somebody
and you kick them in the ass! (THWACK!) Kinda like you’re kicking a fuckin’ field goal! It’s not really a complex game,
I mean there’s only one rule. And that is that you have to yell
“field goal!” right before you do it. Just to give that person
a split second to tense up and realise, “Oh, I’m about to get
a size 4 Fila right up my asshole!” So we pretty much kicked
our own asses all the way to school. And that was that. Now, the walk home from school was totally different. Class is over, it’s time to get your ass home. “Pokemon’s on at 4 o’clock, God damn it!
I gotta get outta here!” Now, on our journey home
there were a few land marks that we would pass. Of course, the first one would be
the porn shop, that was a 100 yards from the school. “Oh, sick, look at that pervert!” “Oh, God damn it!” (Footsteps fade) But after that we would be at the corner
of the road, where Linda the Crossing Guard Lady was. And Linda was a little off her hinges. She would say all these euphemisms and metaphors and we wouldn’t have the first idea,
what the hell she was talking about. “It’s a pretty nice day out today, ain’t it?” “You could wax a water buffalo on a day like today.” “What the fuck is she talking about?” “Just don’t look at her,
if you make eye contact, she keeps talking.” “Like my papi used to say..” “How are you gonna pet
your porcupines, if you got no pine tar?” “You know what I’m sayin’?” “No, Linda, I sure as hell don’t.” “I don’t care how many porcupines you pet.
I just want to cross the goddamn street.” So from there we head over
to the Long John Silvers. Or more specifically,
the dumpster behind the Long John Silvers. And it would be here, where we would dare
Michael to swim through the garbage for money. “Michael, I’ll give you a nickle,
if you doggy paddle your ass through the dumpster.” “I’m a dirty little bastard!
Sounds good to me!” “Whoppieee!”
(Thud!) “Oh my God, he actually did it!” “Michael, your ass
is gonna get meningitis or some shit!” “I don’t care, I’m rich as hell!” “Oh, there’s Hush Puppies in here!” So after Michael’s dumpster diving,
sometimes, if we were feeling frisky we’d actually go into the Long John Silvers. But since we’re 9 years old,
and we’ve got a whole $1.47 among the four of us.. there’s not a whole lot we can buy. The only thing that we can get is a box of crumbs. And if you don’t know
what crumbs are from Long John Silvers: Well, it’s where they take the leftover
flaky and crispy parts from the fried fish put it in a box and serve it as a fucking side dish. Sure it’s disgusting and it knocks
a decade off your lifespan every time you eat a box. But again, we’re 9 years old,
what the hell do we care? “How much does it cost for a box of crumbs?” “Uh, how much do you got?” “Just this nickel I got
from swimming through your dumpster.” “Jesus.. You’re a dirty little bastard, aren’t ya?” “I sure am!” “Terrance, I need a box of crumbs, pronto!” “Crumbs? You mean the leftover fried batter?” “Yeah, that’s it!” “Like the stuff that we scrape off
and put in the garbage?” “Yes, Terrance! Stop asking questions,
they’re gonna give us money for it!” “There you go, you sick little animals!” “If your heart starts feeling funny,
just eat more of them. Eat through the pain.” So finally, we get to our houses.
We got our boxes full of fried bullshit. “These things are so good!
It feels like my blood is going in slow motion!” “Hey Michael, field goal!” (THWACK!) (Crash) “God damn it,
you made me spill my crumbs all over!” “Oh, shit, sorry.. uhm..
I’ll give you a nickel if you eat them off the ground!” “It sounds good to me, you’re on!” https://brewstew.com Special Thanks To:
Jacob Klein, Roman Estep, Alex Schwartz. Special Thanks To: (All these wonderful people)
& All the other Patrons! https://www.patreon.com/brewstew https://shop.makeship.com/collections/brewstewfilms